Pleasing Yourself and Your Partner

First base, second base, third base, score! We're raised to think sex is all about intercourse, but it's not, especially for women. To experience more pleasure while connecting with your partner, follow these tips:

• Be sensual. Notice and fully experience the different sights, smells and tastes in your life.
• Be in the moment. Quiet the internal dialogue in your head. Stop focusing so much on intercourse and try to focus on the joy of touch in and of itself.
• Be able to lead and follow. Good sexual partners can do both.
• Be nice. Tell your partner why you love her. Give her a steamy kiss in the morning. Do the dishes tonight. For women especially, sex doesn't start in the bedroom. Most women need to feel relaxed, loved and safe before having sex.
• Learn about your body. What do you like? What feels good? If you don't know, how is your partner supposed to know?
• Communicate. Talk about what you like and don't like. Share your observations and feelings, but don't judge. Say, "I feel frustrated," not "you're bad at this."
• Be a tease. Anticipation is a big part of sex. A good lover leaves you wanting more.
• Be unpredictable. You might think if something works, you should do it harder and longer. That's not always the case. Mix it up a little.
• Create a sacred space. What could you do to make your bedroom more inviting and sensual? Get rid of the laundry piles. Light some candles. Play some music.
• Take responsibility for your sexual needs. Don't expect your partner to want intercourse every time you do. For most couples, he wants sex more often than she does. Expand your definition of "sex," and come to terms with your different appetites.
• Decide for yourself what you value in a sexual relationship. What does having a good sex life mean to you? Don't look to movies and the media for the answer. Look inside.
• Try this exercise: Spend 10 to 15 minutes with your partner tonight, touching only in supposedly non-sexual places -- the legs, the arms, the back. You'll see how sexy those places really are.

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